Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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