The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
