just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
