Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We are all done wearing pants today
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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