I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You made out with two different species that night
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
