Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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