I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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