peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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