Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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