Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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