I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
