a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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