I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
