So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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