i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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