Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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