Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
