the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
