I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
