I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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