Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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