I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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