some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
