in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
