My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can't put those talents on a resume
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
