I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
