I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
