You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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