Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
