Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
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