They should really pass out barf bags in church
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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