hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
