The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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