the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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