I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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