Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
