I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
