Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
