Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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