so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
