I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
