I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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