i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
