Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
