Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am midnight drunk by noon
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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