You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
