she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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