I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
this will be a night to untag.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
