great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
