I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
