your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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