i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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