just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
