4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
