i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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