Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
