i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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