I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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