she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
